__ One of the topics I often ponder is the power of praise. There seems to be such a broad range of parental praisers, ranging from those who never praise to those who tell their children they do a good job when they remember to blow their runny nose. So how does the thoughtful parent find balance? How do the parents who never praise introduce it to their parenting toolbox,and how do parents who overpraise back off a bit? And for the rest of us, how do parents who praise already hone their praise to become more effective?

First, let’s discuss reasons to avoid the extremes… Praise has benefits, so not praising means your children are losing out on a very effective positive and motivating tool. An article a couple years ago in New York Magazine described some of the benefits of praise, including its effectiveness at encouraging specific behaviors to happen more often. On the other hand, praising too much, especially for things that are not under your child’s control, is not good for your kids. It increases our children’s dependence on us. More importantly, and more detrimentally, it can actually discourage effort in your kids’ behavior. So how can you hone your praise so that it works for you?

1.      Don’t praise attributes like intelligence. Research by Mueller and Dweck (1999) has found that when you praising attributes may have more negative consequences on achievement than praising effort. Kids praised for intelligence enjoy what they are doing less, give up when things  are difficult, and don’t enjoy the tasks as much when they are able to complete them. Instead, praise the effort your child puts into the tasks. Praise hard work. When your child wants to give up because something is hard, encourage them to keep trying. This will actually teach your kids that hard work and challenge are goals worth achieving on their own, regardless of the consequences.

2.      Try to get the words “good work” or “nice job” out of your vocabulary. This praise is non-specific, so it doesn’t really have a lot of benefit in terms of teaching. However, it does raise the possibility of our kids becoming overly dependent on these nice words to value themselves. Some even say it makes our kids overly dependent on us as parents for their view of themselves. In an effort to raise well-adjusted, happy kids, we want them to see the value in what they do for themselves.

3.      Try to trade some of your ‘good work’ praises for descriptions of behaviors. Point out the happy expression on a friend’s face because your child invited them to play. Point out how clean the kitchen is because your child loaded the dishwasher, or how much faster chores go when everyone works together.

Changing how you praise can feel awkward at first. Don’t give up! Keep reminding yourself to make the changes, and set mini-goals for yourself. For example: Today, I am going to praise my daughter’s effort three times. I am going to stop myself from praising ability one time. The more you try, the more natural it feels. As time goes on, you will see the payoff.

Learning to Wait

In today’s world of multiple televisions, video games, on computers, I often talk with parents about how to deal with the consequences of overuse of technologies. One of the most common questions I am asked is “How do I deal with the problem of instant gratification, I want my kids to be more patient!” I respond to this question with the tongue in cheek response of “There is no quick fix; you have to be patient.” We often laugh about it as we discuss it, but it is a very true statement.

Delaying gratification, and the patience required to do so, is a skill that requires effort to attain, and once it has been developed, it must be maintained in order to stay effective. The specific actions you can take to build this skill are simple; however they require effort and continual practice in order to keep them up. Here are some basic steps you can take:

1.       Role model delaying gratification. Demonstrate to your kids both that you value delaying gratification, and that you practice it yourself.
a.      When you notice you want a second piece of desert, say out loud that you want it and then don’t take it.
b.      Take your kids grocery shopping, with a list that you stick to.
c.      Focus on enjoying time when you are trapped in a line, like when you are stuck in traffic or in line at the grocery store. Find ways to make it fun for you and your family, play car games, enjoy taking time, talk to each other.

2.      Read chapter books together and read ONLY one chapter at a time, no matter how exciting the beginning of the next chapter will be.

3.      Garden. Plan vegetables and fruits that you and your children enjoy and will like even better fresh. Watch them grow, and watch them go from unripe to ripe. Enjoy how fabulous the fruits and veggies are straight from the plant. Throughout this process, discuss the patience required to get good food.

4.      Praise waiting. Note when your children do it and note when tell them you like it.

5.      Encourage hobbies that require frequent practice for improvement, such as musical instruments or athletics. Discuss the need to practice before you get good, and don’t let them quit just because it gets hard.

One other useful last tip is that makes it easier to practice patience is to limit screen time. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than 2 hours of screens for kids per day. This includes televisions, computers, video games, and yes, even some phones.

Learning to delay gratification can be a lot of fun if you let it. Good luck, and enjoy the process!